Where to start if you want to try BDSM, but it's scary
How to tell your partner about your fantasies, choose the right paraphernalia and start experimenting for mutual pleasure.
What is BDSM
One of the most common sexual deviations (or paraphilias) counts Paraphilias: definition, diagnosis and treatmentsadomasochism. Some of its manifestations are inherent even in ordinary sex: patting on the buttocks, biting the nipples, holding hands. However, some people want more than "toy" biting, they experience arousal from power, humiliation, pain. It was for them that the BDSM toys subculture was created, which clearly separated sadomasochism from violent actions, turned sexual deviation into a role-playing game of domination and submission. In fact, this is a game of sadomasochism according to certain rules that are set by the participants themselves.According to the BDSM orientation, participants in actions are usually divided into subordinates (English top - upper) and subordinates (English bottom - lower), as well as those who combine the desire to subordinate and obey (English switch). "Regular" relationships that do not have any of these elements are commonly referred to in the community as "vanilla" - by analogy with ice cream flavors: ice cream without additional flavor is called vanilla in the US.The abbreviation BDSM contains the names of the main components of this phenomenon.
BD - bondage and discipline
"Bondage" here is not only a restriction of mobility, but also bondage, subordination, submission, restriction of freedom, humiliation, disciplinary actions.The transfer of power to the upper over the lower for the duration of the action (from the English action - action; it is also called a session) is temporary - in the sense that in general the partners are equal in relations.Why do people want this? Someone wants to temporarily abandon their usual role as a person with great responsibility, to get the opportunity to let go of themselves, to be in a situation where nothing depends on them. Someone such games sexually excite and contribute to the achievement of orgasm .
DS - dominance and submissiveness
This is already about relations in which, by prior agreement, there is an inequality of partners. Why is this needed and how is it different from house building? Dramatically different.A submissive is a person who seeks to transfer control over some areas of his life to another, because he himself is afraid of making decisions, is not confident in himself and his strengths, and cannot understand where to apply his skills and abilities. To achieve any heights (from good taste in clothes and a proper diet to entering a university or financial independence), he needs support and direction from an authoritative person, whom he sees as a dominant. The dominant, on the other hand, feels comfortable when he leads, he has sufficient fortitude for this and has natural skills.
SM - sadism and masochism
These are practices associated solely with the pleasure of inflicting or experiencing physical pain. One partner does not dominate the other, they are equal. Pleasure in this case is associated with the approach of a person to extreme states - subspace (from the English subspace - subspace; this is a trance state achieved as a result of a sharp release of a large amount of adrenaline), catharsis (tears caused by breaking, crossing the pain threshold), and in some cases and to orgasm.Thus, BDSM preferences can either turn into a lifestyle and become a big part of family relationships (such relationships are called LS - lifestyle), or end outside the bedroom or consist of rare action with a normal, "vanilla" life between them. It all depends on the desires, needs and consent of the participants.
BDSM is as different from violence as sex is from rape. The ultimate goal of causing pain, manifestation of power, humiliation is not the humiliation and pain themselves, but the pleasure received in the process of these practices, the spiritual comfort achieved as a result.Such relations are based on the strict observance by the participants of the SSC framework (from the English safe, sane, consensual) - the principles of safety, voluntariness and reasonableness. In Russian - BDR. This implies some awareness of the top in anatomy and psychology, the lack of desire to harm the bottom, the sanity of both partners, awareness and consent.
All actions take place with the desire of both parties for this and can be stopped at any time after pronouncing the stop word. A stop word is a conditional sign, after which the practice must be stopped at the same moment. Moreover, the options “no”, “stop”, “I don’t want to” are not suitable, because sometimes they are not caused by the desire to stop, but are part of the game. Most often, the word "red" is used as a stop word, by analogy with a traffic light signal.In addition, in BDSM there is the concept of "taboo" from the side of the bottom - those actions that in no case should be performed. The framework of interaction is discussed by the participants in advance and is strictly taken into account in the future, because the bottom in BDSM comes for satisfaction, and not to endure everything that the top wants to do with it.For example, the bottom may want a spanking, but without long-term traces, and the “golden rain” is unpleasant even to mentally imagine. Or you want to hear orders from the top, and insulting words only offend, not at all causing a pleasant thrill. The top should ask the bottom about all the wishes and mandatory requirements even before the start of a relationship in the BDSM format or immediately before the action.
BDSM is as different from violence as sex is from rape. The ultimate goal of causing pain, manifestation of power, humiliation is not the humiliation and pain themselves, but the pleasure received in the process of these practices, the spiritual comfort achieved as a result.Such relations are based on the strict observance by the participants of the SSC framework (from the English safe, sane, consensual) - the principles of safety, voluntariness and reasonableness. In Russian - BDR. This implies some awareness of the top in anatomy and psychology, the lack of desire to harm the bottom, the sanity of both partners, awareness and consent.
All actions take place with the desire of both parties for this and can be stopped at any time after pronouncing the stop word. A stop word is a conditional sign, after which the practice must be stopped at the same moment. Moreover, the options “no”, “stop”, “I don’t want to” are not suitable, because sometimes they are not caused by the desire to stop, but are part of the game. Most often, the word "red" is used as a stop word, by analogy with a traffic light signal.In addition, in BDSM there is the concept of "taboo" from the side of the bottom - those actions that in no case should be performed. The framework of interaction is discussed by the participants in advance and is strictly taken into account in the future, because the bottom in BDSM comes for satisfaction, and not to endure everything that the top wants to do with it.For example, the bottom may want a spanking, but without long-term traces, and the “golden rain” is unpleasant even to mentally imagine. Or you want to hear orders from the top, and insulting words only offend, not at all causing a pleasant thrill. The top should ask the bottom about all the wishes and mandatory requirements even before the start of a relationship in the BDSM format or immediately before the action.
How BDSM is perceived by society
When an uninitiated person hears the abbreviation BDSM, pictures from porn are drawn in his head: with casemates and indifferent masked sadists tormenting unfortunate screaming victims. Or some secret society of perverts in collars, latex and whips. Or shots from the sensational trilogy "50 Shades of Grey".Neither one nor the other, nor the third is true, does not show the true state of things, and with its hypertrophy repels people from experiments in intimate life . And often - from the study of their sexuality.You don't have to have a helicopter, a red room, and satin sheets to get into BDSM. You can do such practices in your own bedroom, even if you are in a long-term marriage, even if there are children sleeping in the next room. In general, even a whip is not necessary. A palm, a belt, stockings are enough to tie your hands, a desire to realize your fantasies and a willingness to experiment.
How to tell your partner about your desire
Why are people afraid to confess to a partner their secret fantasies, which may be far from, let's say, traditional sex? When a desire arises for a partner to spank you or call you names, it can be scary to admit it even to yourself. It seems something shameful, dirty. And most importantly, it’s scary to be misunderstood and unaccepted by others, especially those close to you. How can you beat and humiliate a loved one? And even more so, how can it excite?However, it can. And that's okay.Where does the concept of normality end and the concept of "perversion" begin? What is considered normal? Sex under the covers, with the lights off and in the missionary position? What if you turn on the light? What if you take off the blanket? And if you change the position to doggy style? And if you slap on the pope? And if you connect a clitoral vibrator to the process? And if you tie your partner's hands behind your back and call her a bitch?So, there are no rules, frames, boundaries. So far both are enjoying it.How to talk about your peculiar desires so that it is not perceived with hostility? First of all, you need to roughly figure out what exactly you want, what aspect of BDSM attracts you. Flogging? Binding? Verbal humiliation? Because the words “I would like to dominate” are too vague. What exactly to dominate? What exactly do you mean by this concept? Always or only in bed ?
People, even very close ones, are not telepathic and cannot read thoughts. And hints can be misinterpreted. Therefore, the only way to share your desires with a partner is to simply say so. Calmly and clearly, but without impudence.
Explain that BDSM practices are not aggression, not violence, but a voluntary and controlled process that takes place for the pleasure of both. You can send your favorite text on a topic, pictures or videos that turn you on. It makes sense to start with photos that seem exciting even to completely “vanilla” people: for example, the image of a girl in a harness and a mask, kneeling.The words “Whip me, I want it” are also a bad option. Firstly, they can be misinterpreted, and secondly, they do not take into account the desires of the other partner. “I often fantasize about being spanked by you. It excites me, I would like to try it with you. How do you feel about experimenting in this direction? - a good option. This is about your attitude to BDSM practices and about the desire to realize your innermost fantasies with your loved one, if he is ready for this.Speaking openly about feelings is generally a very useful skill in a relationship.Your fantasies should correlate with each other. If a man sleeps and sees himself on his knees in front of a woman with a strap-on, and a woman, to disgust, cannot see her hero humiliated, then, of course, they are unlikely to succeed. But even in this case, you can try to listen to your loved one. What if you like it? Suddenly the experience will be interesting?
At first, all this may seem strange and unexciting. But until you delve into the situation, you don’t try, you won’t know for sure.The maximum that should be done in such a situation is to offer to study the issue together and experiment. If the partner is categorically against, it remains only to understand and forgive. Not wanting BDSM is just as normal as wanting. And you should either forget about it, or look for a convenient way for both to satisfy their needs.What you definitely shouldn’t do is to withdraw into yourself, hide your feelings, and even more so deceive . So no one will be happy in a relationship.
People, even very close ones, are not telepathic and cannot read thoughts. And hints can be misinterpreted. Therefore, the only way to share your desires with a partner is to simply say so. Calmly and clearly, but without impudence.
Explain that BDSM practices are not aggression, not violence, but a voluntary and controlled process that takes place for the pleasure of both. You can send your favorite text on a topic, pictures or videos that turn you on. It makes sense to start with photos that seem exciting even to completely “vanilla” people: for example, the image of a girl in a harness and a mask, kneeling.The words “Whip me, I want it” are also a bad option. Firstly, they can be misinterpreted, and secondly, they do not take into account the desires of the other partner. “I often fantasize about being spanked by you. It excites me, I would like to try it with you. How do you feel about experimenting in this direction? - a good option. This is about your attitude to BDSM practices and about the desire to realize your innermost fantasies with your loved one, if he is ready for this.Speaking openly about feelings is generally a very useful skill in a relationship.Your fantasies should correlate with each other. If a man sleeps and sees himself on his knees in front of a woman with a strap-on, and a woman, to disgust, cannot see her hero humiliated, then, of course, they are unlikely to succeed. But even in this case, you can try to listen to your loved one. What if you like it? Suddenly the experience will be interesting?
At first, all this may seem strange and unexciting. But until you delve into the situation, you don’t try, you won’t know for sure.The maximum that should be done in such a situation is to offer to study the issue together and experiment. If the partner is categorically against, it remains only to understand and forgive. Not wanting BDSM is just as normal as wanting. And you should either forget about it, or look for a convenient way for both to satisfy their needs.What you definitely shouldn’t do is to withdraw into yourself, hide your feelings, and even more so deceive . So no one will be happy in a relationship.
How to prepare: choose attributes
If you received from your partner the desired “Yes! Let's! It seems interesting to me” and discussed with him what kind of interaction is attractive for both of you, the question arises of which tools to use. For the first experience, improvised objects are enough: a palm, a belt, a scarf to blindfold. And the main tool in the DB and DS is the voice and behavior of the top.When it becomes more or less clear that the experiment was a success, you can acquire special devices - objects designed for physical impact on a partner, spanking and fixation. Which one to buy first?Obviously, you should not spend money on cheap synthetic whips: you will lose both in the aesthetic side of BDSM and in sensations. But ordering a one and a half meter whip from a well-known master is at first a senseless and even dangerous undertaking. Spanking with such devices is possible only after the hand is stuffed, and most often you can do without such difficulties.The devices of the first choice should be solid, but inexpensive, and most importantly, easily controllable so that the impact force is easy to control even for an inexperienced porschik.
Paddle
Wooden or thick leather plate with a handle. In fact, the replacement of the palm, which is beaten off for a few slaps. The heavier the paddle, the more painful, so for starters it is better to choose a light and narrow, leather one.There are options with metal rivets on the surface, we also bypass them at first. They often have inscriptions like SLUT, which, after a slap, appear on the buttocks. If this seems superfluous or ridiculous, then just take a smooth paddle.
Stack
A leather-wrapped, flexible cane with a clapperboard at the end, which is used to strike. The stack can be easily aimed and slapped in the right place. It is intended to a greater extent not for spanking, but for discipline (for example, to click on the nipple as a “punishment” in the database).
Flogger
A whip about half a meter long with many "tails" (up to 100 pieces) made of strips of soft leather. The flogger blows feel like a bath broom - even with a strong swing it will not hurt and there will be no long-term marks .The main selection criterion is the softness of the skin from which the device is made, and how comfortable it is in the hand. You should not choose a flogger longer than 60 centimeters - this is more difficult to manage.
Bracers and Leggings
Leather bracelets on the arms and legs with carabiners that allow you to fix the bottom in different poses. Pay attention to the reliability of fastenings and the softness of the surface on the inside.
Rope
If attracts binding . To begin with, it is better to choose cotton: it is soft, does not leave irritation on the skin, aesthetic, it is easy to handle.You can also look at nipple clamps, gags, collars, masks, belts. There are no special criteria for choosing - it's a matter of taste and wallet capabilities.
What to do in the process
What you want and what you agreed on. Whipping, short (and not tight) binding, humiliation, orders. The range of BDSM interactions is very wide, and it is unrealistic to talk about each of them even in a nutshell in one article. Therefore, we will focus on one, the most common option - spanking.Of course, you can’t hit with all your might at once. Otherwise, after the first experience of a person, he can turn away from pain forever. You need to start small, gradually increasing the time and strength of the impacts, clarifying with the lower one his well-being and desire to continue.At first, there is only one impact zone - the buttocks , because it is the least traumatic. As for flogging, it is described in great detail and in an accessible way in Timur Alimov's book "The Way of the Scourge". It discusses not only devices, methods of fixation and types of blows, but also the most important aspect of BDSM - psychological: why you want it, why you need it at all. An explanation of the mechanism of sadomasochism from the point of view of hormones is given.The upper partner should roughly understand how much pain he will cause to the lower one (so be sure to first try the device on his own thigh), and take into account that the lower pain threshold may be different.
The most important thing in BDSM, besides, of course, adherence to the principles of BJD, is the trust between partners, the confidence that nothing bad will happen. The top needs to listen not only to the words, but also to the bodily reactions of the bottom, focus on breathing, moans, gently stroke and kiss in time , reminding the partner that this is just a game. And remember that in his hands at the moment there is power over the bottom and it depends on him whether he will smile happily after the spanking or be offended and disappointed.The bottom needs to remember that he agreed to this not in order to suffer and endure, but in order to enjoy. Therefore, do not keep silent about your unpleasant feelings and forget that there is a safety stop word (which, of course, it is better not to bring to).Painful practices are a very emotional interaction that can even cause tears. Actually, everything is started for this: for the sake of thrills on the verge, a strong beating of the heart, the peak of emotions. And the peace and tranquility that follows.To return the bottom to a calm state, care is needed (in slang - aftercare): pity, hug, caress, talk softly, bring water and let the partner rest.
After some time, it is necessary to discuss what happened. In BDSM, where trust between participants is especially important, and influences can lie very close to personal boundaries and have the risk of injury, honest dialogue is very important. What did you like, what is worth repeating, what left an unpleasant aftertaste - in order to take into account mistakes in the future. Perhaps they wanted more rudeness, or, conversely, they lacked a kind word and a gentle touch.Don't be in a hurry to introduce complex practices into your life, such as long-term bondage or spanking with large, heavy devices, even if such fantasies seem exciting. This requires some skill and can be dangerous for beginners.BDSM is not torture and torment. This is one of the many options for interaction between people, which, with the right approach, can become a way of life, entertainment or a way to diversify intimate life.Or maybe you won't come at all. Expectations do not always match reality.
The most important thing in BDSM, besides, of course, adherence to the principles of BJD, is the trust between partners, the confidence that nothing bad will happen. The top needs to listen not only to the words, but also to the bodily reactions of the bottom, focus on breathing, moans, gently stroke and kiss in time , reminding the partner that this is just a game. And remember that in his hands at the moment there is power over the bottom and it depends on him whether he will smile happily after the spanking or be offended and disappointed.The bottom needs to remember that he agreed to this not in order to suffer and endure, but in order to enjoy. Therefore, do not keep silent about your unpleasant feelings and forget that there is a safety stop word (which, of course, it is better not to bring to).Painful practices are a very emotional interaction that can even cause tears. Actually, everything is started for this: for the sake of thrills on the verge, a strong beating of the heart, the peak of emotions. And the peace and tranquility that follows.To return the bottom to a calm state, care is needed (in slang - aftercare): pity, hug, caress, talk softly, bring water and let the partner rest.
After some time, it is necessary to discuss what happened. In BDSM, where trust between participants is especially important, and influences can lie very close to personal boundaries and have the risk of injury, honest dialogue is very important. What did you like, what is worth repeating, what left an unpleasant aftertaste - in order to take into account mistakes in the future. Perhaps they wanted more rudeness, or, conversely, they lacked a kind word and a gentle touch.Don't be in a hurry to introduce complex practices into your life, such as long-term bondage or spanking with large, heavy devices, even if such fantasies seem exciting. This requires some skill and can be dangerous for beginners.BDSM is not torture and torment. This is one of the many options for interaction between people, which, with the right approach, can become a way of life, entertainment or a way to diversify intimate life.Or maybe you won't come at all. Expectations do not always match reality.